Tuesday, July 27, 2010

mach II...

wow, i've just read back on this blog which i have long since abandoned... this really was utter crap!

you can now find my rants and witness my stupid sense of humour digitized for the perusal of internet people at:

http://vicevsintent.tumblr.com

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Prison Ship:

The minor fifth. The evil note. Minor chords.

These sing to me, they harmonise with my disposition and resonate with my thoughts.

I'm as eternally conflicted as I can handle, in a constant state of questioning.

Scared of what you believe. Scared of what I could say. Scared of what I see.

I am the twisted wreckage of the once was, the am now and the should have been.

I created myself in concert with the world around me, a cocktail of vice and good intention.

I am the twisted wreckage of all that could have been, and all that should not.

Those sounds, so sorrowful and so angry, are my accompaniment.

They are my release... for I wish to be free.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

In terms of viscosity:

I enjoy achievement and progress as much as the next person, but fucking hell sometimes I take lethargy to the nth degree.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Cocoa trade...

Howdy,

It's 9.32 on Sunday the 23rd of August. 3 days since my birthday, and interestingly, one week until the anniversary(? pfft) of my first blog. I'm just waiting for the kettle to boil, I haven't had a coffee all day and feel like staying up a little tonight. What of it! The soundtrack for this blog is Thrice - Beggars. Hot damn, this album is tasty. Fairly awesome in parts, even. Cannot wait until this hits the stores. Anyways, its time to get started on that coffee and see if I can take this thing anywhere...

...Ok so I've read through my year's worth of bloggage and I realise it has a rough melancholy vibe to it, which I don't think exactly represents me, so I figure I might as well randomly crap on about what I'm about... I guess.
I think it's pretty important to point out I sort of saw this thing as a good way to get certain things off my chest... sort of as a release. Normally I'm a fairly easy going kind of person, but I'm a normal human being that gets rattled by shit in life, just like everyone else! I think we all need ways to vent.

Earlier, while I was in the kitchen, doing the dishes and watching the cricket, I started to wonder if it was strange that I was into so much sport. Before you say anything, really think if it's such a weird thing to ask? Not specifically the fact that I am into sport, but is it weird to ask questions about certain facets of your personality? To just ask what different things you are, and how you got to be that certain combination that makes you so undeniably YOU... I'd definitely say I'm a combination of a bunch of traits and such I inherited or acquired from people around me while I grew up. If you take sport with me, for instance: I was born in Subi, but grew up in the country. So yes, I love AFL and cricket... but I'm also into rugby. Now that can't be because of my environment, rugby is an east coast thing - which I got from my uncle. So I'm thinking... maybe we're all unique combinations of parts from others around us as we grow up. Maybe that's how we're all so unique, but also somehow able to remind a person of someone else they knew.

It's a pretty interesting thought. It's full of holes so I dunno... There are just a lot of parts to my personality I don't see in my family or my friends.

I've definitely been going through one of my introspective phases lately, where I start to spend a bit too much time thinking and start feeling and even acting a little withdrawn. I don't know what it is. Maybe its some sort of biological highlights reel where I get to ask all sorts of questions about who exactly I am and what the hell it is I am doing with my life. I'm coming out of it now for sure, which is great because I have a hole heap of stuff I need to concentrate on! Assignments are creeping in, and I haven't been paying as much attention as last semester. Band is starting to go well, and I have a lot of material to try and nut out. I still have to sort out a new car. All sorts of things of that nature which sort of get put in the 'later' basket when I'm more distracted by my thoughts.

I've been trying to work out if I am in fact, a strange guy. I'm definitely flawed. Some of those flaws are just bad habits or vices that can be stamped out, some might be fundamental to my character. But strange? Maybe. A good friend and I had this chat once, and he's pretty sure the people at his work see him as the 'strange one' and I'd say he and I are similar on many levels. I think I like being this way. I'm this music obsessed, sport mad, smart-arsed, conflicted, food crazy, argumentative... dude with ridiculous tattoos and tastes who is just trying to work out what the hell he is actually good at... so I can actually go and do whatever that is.

Anyways, we might call this part 1. I might write part 2 again soon, unless I decide to rant about something else.

Like old people in cinemas ('ohhh no" 'watch out" 'ohhh deaarr" 'awwww" 'OHHHHH"). Or something.

Buenos noches!

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Ebb & Flow of the Tide Named 26 Years...

So I should be doing my sociology readings, or doing an assignment... or maybe folding my clean clothes or doing something remotely productive. However two things are standing in my way: the drinks I had at dinner and the million or so thoughts racing around my head right now. I feel rage, I feel confusion, I feel hopelessness, I feel excitement, I feel... the usual.

Tonight I spent some time talking with my parents about the subjects of 'happiness', 'love' and 'purpose'. Are these abstracts the product of social and political developments since The Enlightenment and French Revolution? Did we create them all by ourselves? Or were we as creatures of the natural world always meant to find love? Were we meant to be happy? What the fuck does it even mean to be happy?

I know I feel happy quite often. But I also know I search for something else, I never feel as content as I feel I should be. I lapse into dark moods and short periods of hopelessness, where I wonder how anybody would want to be around me. I know I feel love for my friends and family. I do long for that romantic connection but now I have to wonder whether it exists, or whether I'm capable of recognising and understanding it... am I really even lucky enough? I mean the odds are stacked up against us all as it is. But of all the people I've met, very few aren't interested in just themselves. Most seem hung up on achieving some sort of cliche... I just want to connect, man. I'm not talking about 'oooooh weeee like the saaaame thiinnnnngs OMG". I'm talking about this level: In order to be interesting, you need to be interested in something. You need to be living your life as you want it. Nothing is more intruiging to me. If you stick to what you know, you'll never discover a damn thing.

But none of us out there even let it get to this point. We're hung up on superficiality, we're hung up on greed. We're all slaves to wants and perceived needs, we're all just chasing the happiness dragon. When does it stop? I certainly have no idea. Is it my fault I overcomplicate life and can't seem to satisfy some incomprehensible, insatiable need for whatever the fuck it is I crave?

I honestly don't even know what that is.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Talking heads/Sinking Ships

Things have taken several interesting turns lately. I sometimes feel as if my life is like a Mogwai song moving through the peaks and troughs, but the sad and angry notes far outweigh the happy ones. The 'bad things come in threes' proverb just doesn't seem to cut it, I'm sure I've already doubled that sucker. Crashed car, money troubles, more money troubles, people troubles, more money troubles, injuries, setbacks... they all stack up and weigh down on my head. It's really hard to keep it up at times like this, especially when the future was looking so bright. Sometimes I can't believe how cliched this apparent cosmic joke is.

When things start to go bad I tend to draw into myself and think a little too much, especially during winter. Winter truly depresses me. All this thinking has led me to realise a few things - whether these observational nuggets actually help me is entirely a different story. You know that whole idea of 'gut instinct' and 'character judgement'? Turns out i'm not too bad at it. I still get people wrong all the time, but I think I'm better at reading people than I previously realised. The only problem is I'm even better at convincing myself to believe in the best-case scenario, and convincing myself that I really should believe the best in people. In the end I now see that people really can't be trusted until they've proved they're worthy of that trust, and not the other way around. Regardless of people's best intentions they will always think of themselves before anyone else, even if they're the 'trustworthy one' amongst their own friends. Friendship and trust don't just happen overnight, and it's about time everyone understood this for their own good. I'm sure y'all are just as sick of disappointment as I am. I don't even find sayings such as 'I have enough friends" as being arrogant or elitist anymore. It's not that I don't have time or space for new friends, it's just that at this stage the friends I have are the only ones that won't abuse that time and won't betray the trust that we have built. I think for now I'm going to err on the side of caution.

Recently I decided to have a try at mind expansion courtesy of a member of the mushroom family. I'm really glad I tried it. Not everybody who joined in had the same experience I had, but I can tell you right now I was living for it. Yes, there was a degree of hallucination (I'm talking twisting walls, breathing beanbags and heiroglyphics in the pavement), but what I found amazing was this real sense of connection. Connection with the earth, connection with my friends - even when we weren't in the same room. I walked on the grass because it felt right to do so. It felt right just to stand there and feel the breeze. Everyting was right and true because everything was being exactly what it was supposed to be. Even things dark and scary seemed fine to be me because all they were being was true to their nature. My mind was being filled with a million thoughts a minute, and I felt as if I could understand so much of the world.

As I mentioned before, the truly remarkable part was the feeling of connection. I considered that on a molecular level we are not solid objects. There is space between the particles, meaning everything is part of the same space. Nothing ever really touches, yet we are all part of the same air, we are all particles suspended in space... For some reason I found that very comforting. It's been a long time since I felt anything remotely close to that. I think it's pretty sad that I had to consume hallucinogenic fungai to get that. But I think part of the reason such things aren't exactly legal is due to the fact that you do begin see and understand the world in very different ways. Perhaps this will sound like absolute crap, but I found it intensly liberating to be part of a bunch of people sitting around and discussing ideas like:

- If you consider that mathematics is the same in every language, then it is the universal. So this incorruptable, precise language represents the norm. therefore error, and all that is wrong and outside the formula is true expression. faults in the code are evolutionary. -

Yes, we absolutely came up with this. It's probably been discussed many many times before by far more educated and intelligent people before, but this logic made itself known to us on this night through the powers of conversation and debate. To make yourself aware that nothing is without intention, nothing is ever given freely and agenda is everywhere is really something else. Not that those realities have escaped any of us before, I have always been a sceptic - but experiences of this nature really do help you formulate new ideas, however plausible/sane or not. Just to have been in this state once really is something I'm happy to have done. The truth is if you spend your whole life dismissing everything, you eventually end up dismissing experience. I don't thing any of us spend much time really living our lives. It's true that you only get one chance at being here.

I really am curious as to what happens next. I still want to find whatever it is I'm missing. But sometimes it really is hard to get past the feeling that I really am missing something. It's hard not to feel defeated at times. Nothing truly horrific has really happened to me, I know that. But this constant barrage of setback and disappointment makes me really wonder how the fuck I'm going to make things better and make something of myself, when all of life's mundane issues keep grabbing at my ankles and stop me from taking a step forward. I'm not lost anymore, like I once was. I know exactly where I am.

Problem is, that place is called going nowhere.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Swept out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef?

Oh hi, I didn't see you there!

So again it has been a while since I have written, but I have been pretty damn distracted lately. I've had a whole lot of shit go right and a whole lot of shit go wrong so things have been hectic! I don't even have a particular rant in mind today, so we'll just see how this thing goes...

Any of you that have seen me in the last month would probably know my car got bruuuutally (juntjuntSCREEE...duggadugga) t-boned, and is now written off. My insurance company now tell me after 3 weeks of waiting for the yard's determination of my car as a total loss, they will do their own assessment and settlement of the whole fucking thing could take another month. Two months without a car. Two months of still paying my loan and insurance without a car to enjoy. For fucks sake! I have to admit I'm 100% guilty of letting this get me down a little, and derailing my thoughts. I made the last month of uni extra hard on myself because of this. But I will come firing out of the blocks next semester, I know it. I've learnt my lesson here!

I've also let myself be distracted by a situation I've been trying to avoid. My friends will know over the last year I've actually tried a little bit of dating, instead of totally avoiding it. I had some setbacks but at the end of the day, the people that I dated weren't really meant for me and I'm not even sure why I tried. I guess I was trying to make my life a little more 'normal'. Haha as if that is possible! ...Ok, well that all changes NOW:

Over the course of last weekend I allowed myself to admit I had developed real feelings for someone. Not just a 'we should go on a date because we get along okay and we're attracted to each other" (at some point in our lives we all have to realise that is not a valid reason, you'll meet hundreds of people like this in your life time - just let them be your friends or let them drift away to live their own lives!). This is a situation where we have been on a friends level ever since we met, and despite her obvious beauty and down to earth attitude, I was just happy with her company and let it sit at that. But this thing has been working away inside of me and now I gotta get it out. Today. I am fucking nervous as fuck, I know its not going to go how I'd wished but I think it needs to be heard. I would be undoing all the decent work I've done on pulling myself up to a better place if I allow myself to develop the beginnings of feelings for someone, only to push them down. Fingers crossed... Fuck.

In other news my new band Ibex are hitting the studio for the 3 days of this long weekend! Last night we finished the third song, it seems every time we get to writing one it is another big step in the direction that we want to achieve (but in a totally natural way). It's moody, it's dark, it's soaring, it's crushingly heavy, it's melodic. I don't even know how it happened but this band makes me feel so inspired, and so natural. Cannot wait!!!

So that's me up to date, how are you doing? I'll leave you with this one thought:
Matthew Newton can get fucked, ay.

Catch!