Things have taken several interesting turns lately. I sometimes feel as if my life is like a Mogwai song moving through the peaks and troughs, but the sad and angry notes far outweigh the happy ones. The 'bad things come in threes' proverb just doesn't seem to cut it, I'm sure I've already doubled that sucker. Crashed car, money troubles, more money troubles, people troubles, more money troubles, injuries, setbacks... they all stack up and weigh down on my head. It's really hard to keep it up at times like this, especially when the future was looking so bright. Sometimes I can't believe how cliched this apparent cosmic joke is.
When things start to go bad I tend to draw into myself and think a little too much, especially during winter. Winter truly depresses me. All this thinking has led me to realise a few things - whether these observational nuggets actually help me is entirely a different story. You know that whole idea of 'gut instinct' and 'character judgement'? Turns out i'm not too bad at it. I still get people wrong all the time, but I think I'm better at reading people than I previously realised. The only problem is I'm even better at convincing myself to believe in the best-case scenario, and convincing myself that I really should believe the best in people. In the end I now see that people really can't be trusted until they've proved they're worthy of that trust, and not the other way around. Regardless of people's best intentions they will always think of themselves before anyone else, even if they're the 'trustworthy one' amongst their own friends. Friendship and trust don't just happen overnight, and it's about time everyone understood this for their own good. I'm sure y'all are just as sick of disappointment as I am. I don't even find sayings such as 'I have enough friends" as being arrogant or elitist anymore. It's not that I don't have time or space for new friends, it's just that at this stage the friends I have are the only ones that won't abuse that time and won't betray the trust that we have built. I think for now I'm going to err on the side of caution.
Recently I decided to have a try at mind expansion courtesy of a member of the mushroom family. I'm really glad I tried it. Not everybody who joined in had the same experience I had, but I can tell you right now I was living for it. Yes, there was a degree of hallucination (I'm talking twisting walls, breathing beanbags and heiroglyphics in the pavement), but what I found amazing was this real sense of connection. Connection with the earth, connection with my friends - even when we weren't in the same room. I walked on the grass because it felt right to do so. It felt right just to stand there and feel the breeze. Everyting was right and true because everything was being exactly what it was supposed to be. Even things dark and scary seemed fine to be me because all they were being was true to their nature. My mind was being filled with a million thoughts a minute, and I felt as if I could understand so much of the world.
As I mentioned before, the truly remarkable part was the feeling of connection. I considered that on a molecular level we are not solid objects. There is space between the particles, meaning everything is part of the same space. Nothing ever really touches, yet we are all part of the same air, we are all particles suspended in space... For some reason I found that very comforting. It's been a long time since I felt anything remotely close to that. I think it's pretty sad that I had to consume hallucinogenic fungai to get that. But I think part of the reason such things aren't exactly legal is due to the fact that you do begin see and understand the world in very different ways. Perhaps this will sound like absolute crap, but I found it intensly liberating to be part of a bunch of people sitting around and discussing ideas like:
- If you consider that mathematics is the same in every language, then it is the universal. So this incorruptable, precise language represents the norm. therefore error, and all that is wrong and outside the formula is true expression. faults in the code are evolutionary. -
Yes, we absolutely came up with this. It's probably been discussed many many times before by far more educated and intelligent people before, but this logic made itself known to us on this night through the powers of conversation and debate. To make yourself aware that nothing is without intention, nothing is ever given freely and agenda is everywhere is really something else. Not that those realities have escaped any of us before, I have always been a sceptic - but experiences of this nature really do help you formulate new ideas, however plausible/sane or not. Just to have been in this state once really is something I'm happy to have done. The truth is if you spend your whole life dismissing everything, you eventually end up dismissing experience. I don't thing any of us spend much time really living our lives. It's true that you only get one chance at being here.
I really am curious as to what happens next. I still want to find whatever it is I'm missing. But sometimes it really is hard to get past the feeling that I really am missing something. It's hard not to feel defeated at times. Nothing truly horrific has really happened to me, I know that. But this constant barrage of setback and disappointment makes me really wonder how the fuck I'm going to make things better and make something of myself, when all of life's mundane issues keep grabbing at my ankles and stop me from taking a step forward. I'm not lost anymore, like I once was. I know exactly where I am.
Problem is, that place is called going nowhere.
