The Ebb & Flow of the Tide Named 26 Years...

So I should be doing my sociology readings, or doing an assignment... or maybe folding my clean clothes or doing something remotely productive. However two things are standing in my way: the drinks I had at dinner and the million or so thoughts racing around my head right now. I feel rage, I feel confusion, I feel hopelessness, I feel excitement, I feel... the usual.

Tonight I spent some time talking with my parents about the subjects of 'happiness', 'love' and 'purpose'. Are these abstracts the product of social and political developments since The Enlightenment and French Revolution? Did we create them all by ourselves? Or were we as creatures of the natural world always meant to find love? Were we meant to be happy? What the fuck does it even mean to be happy?

I know I feel happy quite often. But I also know I search for something else, I never feel as content as I feel I should be. I lapse into dark moods and short periods of hopelessness, where I wonder how anybody would want to be around me. I know I feel love for my friends and family. I do long for that romantic connection but now I have to wonder whether it exists, or whether I'm capable of recognising and understanding it... am I really even lucky enough? I mean the odds are stacked up against us all as it is. But of all the people I've met, very few aren't interested in just themselves. Most seem hung up on achieving some sort of cliche... I just want to connect, man. I'm not talking about 'oooooh weeee like the saaaame thiinnnnngs OMG". I'm talking about this level: In order to be interesting, you need to be interested in something. You need to be living your life as you want it. Nothing is more intruiging to me. If you stick to what you know, you'll never discover a damn thing.

But none of us out there even let it get to this point. We're hung up on superficiality, we're hung up on greed. We're all slaves to wants and perceived needs, we're all just chasing the happiness dragon. When does it stop? I certainly have no idea. Is it my fault I overcomplicate life and can't seem to satisfy some incomprehensible, insatiable need for whatever the fuck it is I crave?

I honestly don't even know what that is.