Talking heads/Sinking Ships

Things have taken several interesting turns lately. I sometimes feel as if my life is like a Mogwai song moving through the peaks and troughs, but the sad and angry notes far outweigh the happy ones. The 'bad things come in threes' proverb just doesn't seem to cut it, I'm sure I've already doubled that sucker. Crashed car, money troubles, more money troubles, people troubles, more money troubles, injuries, setbacks... they all stack up and weigh down on my head. It's really hard to keep it up at times like this, especially when the future was looking so bright. Sometimes I can't believe how cliched this apparent cosmic joke is.

When things start to go bad I tend to draw into myself and think a little too much, especially during winter. Winter truly depresses me. All this thinking has led me to realise a few things - whether these observational nuggets actually help me is entirely a different story. You know that whole idea of 'gut instinct' and 'character judgement'? Turns out i'm not too bad at it. I still get people wrong all the time, but I think I'm better at reading people than I previously realised. The only problem is I'm even better at convincing myself to believe in the best-case scenario, and convincing myself that I really should believe the best in people. In the end I now see that people really can't be trusted until they've proved they're worthy of that trust, and not the other way around. Regardless of people's best intentions they will always think of themselves before anyone else, even if they're the 'trustworthy one' amongst their own friends. Friendship and trust don't just happen overnight, and it's about time everyone understood this for their own good. I'm sure y'all are just as sick of disappointment as I am. I don't even find sayings such as 'I have enough friends" as being arrogant or elitist anymore. It's not that I don't have time or space for new friends, it's just that at this stage the friends I have are the only ones that won't abuse that time and won't betray the trust that we have built. I think for now I'm going to err on the side of caution.

Recently I decided to have a try at mind expansion courtesy of a member of the mushroom family. I'm really glad I tried it. Not everybody who joined in had the same experience I had, but I can tell you right now I was living for it. Yes, there was a degree of hallucination (I'm talking twisting walls, breathing beanbags and heiroglyphics in the pavement), but what I found amazing was this real sense of connection. Connection with the earth, connection with my friends - even when we weren't in the same room. I walked on the grass because it felt right to do so. It felt right just to stand there and feel the breeze. Everyting was right and true because everything was being exactly what it was supposed to be. Even things dark and scary seemed fine to be me because all they were being was true to their nature. My mind was being filled with a million thoughts a minute, and I felt as if I could understand so much of the world.

As I mentioned before, the truly remarkable part was the feeling of connection. I considered that on a molecular level we are not solid objects. There is space between the particles, meaning everything is part of the same space. Nothing ever really touches, yet we are all part of the same air, we are all particles suspended in space... For some reason I found that very comforting. It's been a long time since I felt anything remotely close to that. I think it's pretty sad that I had to consume hallucinogenic fungai to get that. But I think part of the reason such things aren't exactly legal is due to the fact that you do begin see and understand the world in very different ways. Perhaps this will sound like absolute crap, but I found it intensly liberating to be part of a bunch of people sitting around and discussing ideas like:

- If you consider that mathematics is the same in every language, then it is the universal. So this incorruptable, precise language represents the norm. therefore error, and all that is wrong and outside the formula is true expression. faults in the code are evolutionary. -

Yes, we absolutely came up with this. It's probably been discussed many many times before by far more educated and intelligent people before, but this logic made itself known to us on this night through the powers of conversation and debate. To make yourself aware that nothing is without intention, nothing is ever given freely and agenda is everywhere is really something else. Not that those realities have escaped any of us before, I have always been a sceptic - but experiences of this nature really do help you formulate new ideas, however plausible/sane or not. Just to have been in this state once really is something I'm happy to have done. The truth is if you spend your whole life dismissing everything, you eventually end up dismissing experience. I don't thing any of us spend much time really living our lives. It's true that you only get one chance at being here.

I really am curious as to what happens next. I still want to find whatever it is I'm missing. But sometimes it really is hard to get past the feeling that I really am missing something. It's hard not to feel defeated at times. Nothing truly horrific has really happened to me, I know that. But this constant barrage of setback and disappointment makes me really wonder how the fuck I'm going to make things better and make something of myself, when all of life's mundane issues keep grabbing at my ankles and stop me from taking a step forward. I'm not lost anymore, like I once was. I know exactly where I am.

Problem is, that place is called going nowhere.

Swept out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef?

Oh hi, I didn't see you there!

So again it has been a while since I have written, but I have been pretty damn distracted lately. I've had a whole lot of shit go right and a whole lot of shit go wrong so things have been hectic! I don't even have a particular rant in mind today, so we'll just see how this thing goes...

Any of you that have seen me in the last month would probably know my car got bruuuutally (juntjuntSCREEE...duggadugga) t-boned, and is now written off. My insurance company now tell me after 3 weeks of waiting for the yard's determination of my car as a total loss, they will do their own assessment and settlement of the whole fucking thing could take another month. Two months without a car. Two months of still paying my loan and insurance without a car to enjoy. For fucks sake! I have to admit I'm 100% guilty of letting this get me down a little, and derailing my thoughts. I made the last month of uni extra hard on myself because of this. But I will come firing out of the blocks next semester, I know it. I've learnt my lesson here!

I've also let myself be distracted by a situation I've been trying to avoid. My friends will know over the last year I've actually tried a little bit of dating, instead of totally avoiding it. I had some setbacks but at the end of the day, the people that I dated weren't really meant for me and I'm not even sure why I tried. I guess I was trying to make my life a little more 'normal'. Haha as if that is possible! ...Ok, well that all changes NOW:

Over the course of last weekend I allowed myself to admit I had developed real feelings for someone. Not just a 'we should go on a date because we get along okay and we're attracted to each other" (at some point in our lives we all have to realise that is not a valid reason, you'll meet hundreds of people like this in your life time - just let them be your friends or let them drift away to live their own lives!). This is a situation where we have been on a friends level ever since we met, and despite her obvious beauty and down to earth attitude, I was just happy with her company and let it sit at that. But this thing has been working away inside of me and now I gotta get it out. Today. I am fucking nervous as fuck, I know its not going to go how I'd wished but I think it needs to be heard. I would be undoing all the decent work I've done on pulling myself up to a better place if I allow myself to develop the beginnings of feelings for someone, only to push them down. Fingers crossed... Fuck.

In other news my new band Ibex are hitting the studio for the 3 days of this long weekend! Last night we finished the third song, it seems every time we get to writing one it is another big step in the direction that we want to achieve (but in a totally natural way). It's moody, it's dark, it's soaring, it's crushingly heavy, it's melodic. I don't even know how it happened but this band makes me feel so inspired, and so natural. Cannot wait!!!

So that's me up to date, how are you doing? I'll leave you with this one thought:
Matthew Newton can get fucked, ay.

Catch!

What? My hangover hurts.

Hey you 3 readers, can I ask one simple question?

Ok, cool thanks...

WHY THE FUCK IS ZAC EFFRON NOT HAVING A FACEBOOK OR TWITTER ACCOUNT CONSIDERED NEWSWORTHY?

Seriously, is this what our lives are boiling down to? Sure, 20 years ago not having a phone would have been considered a little strange, you'd probably think you were 'living off the grid". But somewhere down the line, someone seems to have decided you don't really exist and you're probably a little deranged if you don't have some kind of internet account.

Yes, yes. I know, I am on the interweb too. I spend part of my day reading up on my friends' lives and ignoring the add requests of people I once knew back in high school, never had anything in common with and never ever will. The age of voyeurism and passive rejection is well and truly upon is. But has this kind of thing become so ingrained in our identities that somebody (whether a celebrity or not) not being involved in this bullshit would be considered indicative of some sort of technological retardation?

'Yo man, that Zach Effron has 3 arms... and no facebook account"
'Whaaat dude, no facebook? But like, he's famous and shit!"

ARRRRRG! Get the fuck out!

Anyway, it has been a while since I have written here, and things have changed. I am absolutely loving life. I'm about to move to Wembley downs to live with my best friend, Uni is incredible and I'm well and truly surviving. My new musical project brings me much satisfaction with no irritation or even hard work. Things are great, though I'm still single and sick of it. It will also be a little sad when I leave my 'life partner" Davey C (that one was for you Grub), I just don't know what I'll do when it comes time to watch more 30 Rock and anything that could remotely replace The Shield in my life.

Yes, The Shield is a fucking awesome show and it'll rip your heart out and you'll be left doing nothing but screaming 'AYYYYYY" just like Peanuts Meldrum.

Anyways, I'm starting to ramble (well not really starting, it's all i ever do), so im peacin' out.

Much love!

Ach, Ah Do Nae Ken, Lassie!

Sooooo-AH!

Today finds your narrator skull deep in the mists of post-beerage, contemplating his first day of university studies. The deliberation is as such:

Uni is pretty fucking sweet (thus far). Sure, I've only had 1 hour of 'lecture' and I spent the next 4 hours trying to absorb jugs of stag with the power of mah braaaaiiiiin-AH... and doing significant damage with the customary booze consumption method, but fuck you I do what I want.

Matthew Sykes is a blessing. Good times. Good crew. Gorgeous crew.
Also, the beer tasted like freedom. And summer mornings. Also a little like celebrity cameos.

So now I am fully committed to the next stage of my life, my learning, my 'second phase', my coming of age... perhaps more succinctly... my actual growing up. Ok, maybe not.

But I'm here, I'm ready to learn... anyways I'll see you at the tav, yeah?

Cool beans.

Fifteen in...

Hey there, sports fans! And all you fans of other things... It's just over two weeks into the new year, and it's about time I rambled and ranted in my usual non-linear fashion.

Here is my year so far in bullet point form, just to keep things fresh. As fresh as a blog can be, anyways.

in 2009 I have:

• Eaten a whole lot of chicken
• Not gone to the beach once, and I'm getting pretty pissed about that!
• Formed a new band with good friends, and rediscovered my penchant for writing rock riffs
• Continued to run 4 - 5 days a week
• Kissed a rather cute young lady
• Started to freak out about finances at uni... Handjobs for cash, anyone?
• Subsequently been offered a half chance at some casual smart car driving... hell yeah I would like to get paid to listen to my own tunes and drive around for a few hours!
• Sang TLC's Scrub in the shower no less than three times
• Not said 'literally' once, not even in the ironic sense
• Started yet another totally pointless blog

You could say things are looking up, but they're also looking scary. But that's a good thing, I've wasted away the last few years of my life, and it's about time I threw myself in the deep end, got some excitement in my life, and swam away from those in the shallow end (of the gene pool). I.e; the peons that cloud my brain on a daily basis at my place of work. I wrote some 'werdz' about these folk the other day:

'You're all walking into objects,
You spin with your sensors off while you paw at my sleeve
I can see this is how you spend your days,
Headless and hell bent on speaking with nothing to say

I ain't been around for too long
But I know what the rest of us see
We shall speak of a barrel toss
While we watch the apples rot"

It's not much, I know. Maybe it's the start of something, maybe not. But either way, I can taste freedom, and it tastes like tooheys new from a uni tav tap! Just over one month to go!

Anyways, I must apologise for this new entry and its lack of my usual vitriol, and the complete lack of any sort of purpose... but whatever, hey. I do what I want!

I'll leave y'all with a little piece of advice courtesy of my friend who shall be named Montana:

'Hey man, all I know is some people think pickled cucumber tastes better"

'...What?"

'Huh?"

Ahhhh, call of the century!

Take care all, 'til I see you next on the open seas.

Luke Gives Christmas the Royal Flush!

*My friends: Please take the time to read this gibberish the whole way through. I understand many of you have religious beliefs, which I respect. My points may start off as harsh - but there is a point to this rant and you will see I am not a heartless, ignorant, obnoxious or intolerant person. Luff yewww.*


Most of what follows has been taken from conversations with friends and work~mates~ on this day, Tuesday 2nd December 2008.

FUCK. CHRISTMAS.

To help you get purchase on where I am coming from, we need to travel back in time to the year 2007. This time last year, Fletch (my fearless and infuriatingly thick leader) handed out a bunch of santa hats to everyone on the team. The intention was that all members of the team would put their santa hats on whenever she rang this little bell. Now, those of you that have met me are well aware I'm not a fucking dog. I do not perform tricks. I am not a fucking child, I do not require senseless 'activities' to make me squeal and giggle. At this point in time, I informed Fletch as such (in a diplomatic and professional matter), and tried to convey to her that I do not care for christmas outside of my family gatherings and I find such 'team' 'activities' insulting. My points were seemingly met with a degree of confusion.

Fast forward to one year later, and the twit has the nerve to pull the same trick, and question why I wasn't wearing my hat. Yes, I raised my voice a little. This was less than 24 hours after informing the executive assistant I do not wish to participate in 'secret santa" and won't be attending the christmas party.

Now the reason for my lack of participation follows:

Whilst I personally do not believe in jesus and feel nowadays that christmas is really a consumer trap posing as a religious holiday (seriously think about this - when your work puts up decorations, they put up santa hats and stockings for little gifts as opposed to crucifixes), I used to respect the love and giving nature behind the holiday. I respected the fact that it at the crux (here all week, folks) of the thing it was a religious holiday and everybody deserves to celebrate their own faith, beliefs and values in peace.

HOWEVER! I have found that all meaning and sincerity behind this tradition has gone. The season should be about sharing your love with your family and friends, and helping those in need. It shouldn't be about the incessant fake wishing of happy holidays, appeasing sensitive co-workers or acquiescing to the ignorant assumptions of our mindless society that everybody loves christmas and everyone should be best friends with everyone else.

Here's something for you, my co-workers. I GET PAID TO BE HERE. I don't want to be here. I don't want to spend my hard earned cash on you, when I'm struggling to think of what I should get for my darling little sisters. I spend 40 hours of my life each week with you, and barely get to see all of my friends and family throughout the year. Why would I want to go to some function and watch you all get drunk and obnoxious (more than you are already)?

Christmassy bullshit is being pushed on me, and anybody who knows me will understand I do not like these sheep-like expectations being rammed down my throat.

Please, leave me the fuck alone to give love, presents and time to those that truly matter: My friends and family.

Maybe if everyone followed my lead perhaps we would all find this time of year a lot more relaxing, like it was supposed to be. Christians, Catholics, celebrate your faith. Non-denominational and vaguely god-believing fans of christmas, celebrate the relationships you have with the people that you care for.

Leave the fake ceremony and insincere gestures behind, and count me out.

Much love, and happy holidays to my loved ones. PEACE OUT!

Cast Off For the Shores of Oblivion Aboard the Spaceship Chocolate Cake

Today at 4.50pm whilst walking along Stirling Street next to a bunch of the '5-0" I consumed some 'cake". MMM-mmm!

It really hit me on my drive to IGA for dinner supplies... Shit got really rough inside IGA. On the way back I found it hard to stop talking and singing to myself (about things such as the 4wd in front of me), so I had to wind up the windows to stop everyone from listening to me.

I created the most awesome chicken salad in history and passed out on the couch by 9pm.

Anything to break the endless loop eh? Possibly one of the funniest weeknights ever!